So, I'm trying to work things out again, and rapidly coming to the conclusion that I think waaay too much, and so achieve nothing! lol - isn't that always the way?

I've been trying to figure out exactly what direction my life is taking, and I have absolutely no idea!  I mean, I've got to 35 and realise that I still have no idea where I want to be.  There's alot to be said for going with the flow, but in the long term that doesn't really help the here and now very much!  I'm not enjoying this empty feeling that I get inside.  I'm sick of feeling like there's something missing, without having any idea of what it is!

Life isn't all bad.  What I have in my life, I love.  There's Dave, my friends, family, teaching, the bar work (which I still find far too amusing!) and my outside interest.  But there's this restlessness that won't go away.  There's part of me that wants to experience more life.  I want to take off and do something totally un-me.  I want to experience new stuff, I want to find out where I truely belong, because at the moment I don't feel I do!  I want Dave to be at my side while I do it, but I want to be able to achieve by myself and on my own terms.  I want to live by myself, but I want to live with Dave.  I want a wild career change, but I want to teach.  I want to go abroad for months or years, but I want to be able to return here whenever I want. 

Let's be honest - I want it all, and I can't have it!

How do we become content with our life? At what point do we believe we have everything we ever wanted, that life is the best it ever will be, and if we die tomorrow, we'll have died happy? 

I'm just very confused! 

I'm just off to pull (pints) and wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year.

Life is fine (though the cold I've got is a bit of a bugger!).  Christmas was lovely.

Take care. xxx

Let's hope this doesn't get too long winded eh!

Firstly, sorry I haven't updated.  Considering the amount of time I've had, I've not really done much. Certainly nothing too constructive anyways!  We've had our Christmas party, I've had another job interview - but not got the job, I've done all my Christmas shopping and wrapped and delivered the presents to my parents.  I've arranged to see the relatives in the West Midlands.  (Mrs C  - I would love to pop in and visit, but I just don't think I'm going to have time! )  All my Christmas cards are posted and hopefully they've arrived to some of you by now.  If they haven't, blame the postal service, not me!  I now have a stinking cold which I hope to shake by Christmas.  (We're out for dinner the next 2 nights, I shall be the one with a tissue surgically attached to my nose!)

Dave and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary.  He bought me a card, I bought him nothing!  We celebrated with a kiss and a cuddle, then off to the pub for our usual pub quiz!  We are the last of the great romantics!   It was good - so long as we acknowledge the date of when we first got together, I don't need anything else - I was surprised to get a card... it was a nice surprise though!

I'm in 2 minds about Christmas trees this year.  On the one hand, I would love a large real tree to stand in the corner of the room.  We could decorate it, and put the presents around it.  However, as we're away for a short while over Christmas, (Thank goodness for fantastic neighbours who will be watching the house for us!) it doesn't really seem worth it!  We do have a very small artificial tree up, which only has lights on it.  We have lights in our windows, and a berry strand thing (with lights) across the large mirror.  With all the cards, candles and poinsettias it does look festive.  A tree is just another £25 we could do without spending this year...  Am I turning into scrooge?

I had a fantastic phone call today, from my old chemo consultant in Derby! I haven't spoken to him since before I had my reversal (which incidently was 4 years ago this week!)  He'd seen the news letter that I sent my ex stoma nurse with her Christmas card, and was pleased with the way that my life was progressing, that he had to call and tell me!  I'm afraid that I was a bit abrupt to start with, because I thought it was a sales call - I'd been shouting HELLO!!!! down the phone for 20 seconds before he answered, and I was about to hang up!  I'm so glad I didn't!  I called my stoma nurse afterwards because I was so shocked!   She said that she'd taken the letter to the meeting, they'd all read it and left with a little Christmas tear of joy in their eyes - especially at the news of our steps on the adoption road.  (hehehe - I might tell you that one another time! )  Apparently my chemo consultant never remembers any of his patients - apart from me!  When my stoma nurse told him that I was half considering transferring my treatment so that I could be near my family (something I thankfully never did....) he told her that it didn't matter where I had my treatment because the likelihood was that with a tumour as large as mine, I wouldn't be alive in 6 months time!  He never told me that, and I'm very grateful that I didn't know (until today).  He did such a good job at treating me.

So, remember your medical team this Christmas  - however much of an arse you think them to be, they generally work blinking blooming hard, and do have a heart!

Hello,  I'm in a good mood today - can you tell?

Now, believe me, I'm the first to admit, that contrary to what people may think, I'm not a particularly organised person! I never really have been - not with work (though I'm so much better now than I ever used to be) not with home life (however often I claim to clean the bathroom...) or with life in general. But... this year, yes, this year... I am doing really well! (for Christmas anyways...)

Firstly, I have, for the past couple of weeks, been making batches of sausage rolls (current total 112) and mince pies (approx 60). They are happily in the freezer, awaiting defrosting and warming, ready for our annual party next weekend.  (We're holding it a week early this year, as we're away the following weekend.)  Everything for the party is now bought, and Dave came with me, so he now knows that having this party doesn't come cheap!  I think it shocked him to know that we've bought loads, and we still need to get the fresh stuff next Saturday morning.  All that is left to do is make a few more mince pies, buy the fresh stuff, and clean the house.  (I've sorted the bedding for the spare room, now I need to make space to fit people in it!)

What I'm more proud of (because the party will happen, whatever) is the fact that I only have 4.5 Christmas presents to buy! Yes, of my list of 45 people to buy presents for, I have nearly completed!  We've decided not to buy the neighbours presents, but just their children. (you've got to have a limit somewhere.)  I need to finish off buying Dave's present - I've got him a magnetic sudoko puzzle and a radio alarm clock.  I don't know what else to get him.  We're being quite tight with money this year - there's been a few big expenses recently, and I don't want us to start the year with money worries.  I suppose I have a maximum of £20 more to spend on him - no clothes, no books - any suggestions? - I also don't know what to get my niece.  She's nearly  6.  I've got her a video of The Gruffalo, but it's her birthday on 23rd December and I have no idea what to get.  Any clues?  Last of all is my sister.  She (excitingly) wants a new saucepan, but the one she wants is £40 from Debenhams, and can't be found on ebay!  It's to replace one from the set she got when she married 13 (and a half) years ago.  We don't spend that much on each other... I thought of getting her the Spice Girls Greatest Hits album so she'd know the words when we go to see them in January!  But I'd be pretty peeved if I got that for a gift...  Again, any clues on what to get would be good!  (£15 max)

Dave has bought one present for his nephew, and I've bought a present for his neice!

Oh, and I've started writing my Christmas cards - just hope I remember to finish them!

What else has happened?

Oh yes, my car broke down on Tuesday.  I'd been teaching all day, and was on my way back to Herb Lane.  It was the alternator (the one I'd had replaced less than a week earlier!).  I stood in the dark, on the edge of the M5, waiting for the AA to come and rescue me.  (and I don't mean Alcoholics Annoymous!)  It was cold and scary.  I don't want to repeat it.  All is well now with the car and stuff.

That's it really. 

Hi All,

Thought it was time for an update.  I'm not sure what I'm going to write, because I can't think of anything that's happened that would make even vaguely interesting reading!  I suppose I'm just aware that I've not written anything here for a while.

Things are generally good in 'rach and dave land.'  We did have a wobbly patch around the middle of the month, but that was because of a lack of communication about a big issue we're trying to work through at the moment.  Dave had a differing viewpoint that me, and thought that I'd be upset by it.  He's right, I was upset by it, but not to the extent that it would affect our relationship.  I suppose we all have blips in our confidence, especially when you're moving a relationship on to a new level, but we're strong, and we know that if we do go ahead with what we've been discussing, then we'll be in it together - and that's what's important.

Supply work is really slow, and I'm just bored and very skint.  I could do with cancelling Christmas this year, but we're cracking ahead with the old festive season!    I've made 100 sausage rolls, and plenty of invites to our mince pie and mulled wine party.  This week I will be sticking a load of mince pies in the freezer.   Usually, I make them in the couple of days running up to the party, but what with my Friday night pulling job, supply teaching and the fact that Dave is at a works do the night before our bash, I need to be well prepared.  I'm even considering buying a job lot of mulled wine from Sainsbury's instead of making my own this year... works out cheaper, and is still quite nice - think we might have to quality test a bottle of it this weekend though - just to make sure...

We haven't done much and I don't think we intend to... I'm working this afternoon, and really ought to do some tidying and washing.  I've made a start... I've had a bath this morning, but I'm typing this while wrapped up in my towel and dressing gown.  There must be some clean clothes SOMEWHERE in the wardrobe!!!

So, love to you all, hope everything is fine, and speak again at some point. xxxx

Seriously, it just seems to be my week for sillyness!

The clocks went back at the weekend - I was so looking forward to my extra hour in bed, that I got confused and put the heating timer FORWARD an hour.  I then forgot to adjust my alarm clock next to the bed, and Dave adjusted all the clocks in the living area so that they were correct.  I woke up, and found that I had no idea what timescale I was on!  It took ages for me to sort myself out!

Today, Dave (who has taken the day off) and I have just made the Christmas cake.  The fruit soaked in brandy for 24hours, and more brandy has been added to the mixture.  I then top up the brandy levels 3 times in the run up to Christmas.  Last year, we were so full from Christmas that I didn't actually ice the cake until January, and we then didn't start it until nearly February!  As you can tell from the title of this post, the mixture didn't just stay in the bowl... ok, so there were no spillages, but I obviously brushed hair out of my eyes at some stage, and put some mixture on my head!  Hope its good for the complexion!

We have a fully functioning washing machine again.  I adore it more than I did the last one, and that's saying something!  The problem was that all the tubes it came with were too short, so we had to get extensions etc before I could use it.  There is a marked difference between the cleanliness of clothes from the last machine and this one.  I am impressed.   The funny thing is, my parents' washing machine broke down at the weekend, and they had to go out and buy a new one.  (Less of a huge financial decision for them than it was for us!)

Dave and I are going for a meeting tonight, it's a bit of a top secret meeting, which is why I'm not going to say much more.  Some of you know what its about, because I am a little excited... I just don't want to say too much, incase things don't go the way we hope.  Sorry for being cryptic, but well...

Now its time for my rant.  I am sorry for this... but it has been playing on my mind for a while. 

As some of you know, I am a member of various support boards - both healthwise and for my professional life.  I like to contribute and I like to be as positive as I can.  I have my bad days, and I am entitled to post about them - just like everyone else - However, I make sure that I balance them with good things.   I know that I will never get on with everyone on the messageboards I use - that's life, that's the wonder of diversity.  I still have respect for these people and hope that I can provide some support and encouragement.  I also agree with our right to not reply if we don't want to.

There is somebody on a messageboard that I use (and guys, it's not anyone who reads this - I'm quite sure about that!) who I feel is downright rude.  I have responded with advice for this person, sympathised with this person's many problems, and can feel the frustration that this person has.  However, whatever I post, this person NEVER acknowledges me.  This person responds to everyone around them, but not me.  This person never responds directly to any posts I make - often (to my paranoid self) tending to contradict them.  Also, I know this person has serious health issues, but I am just really pissed off with their constant whinging.  There are people who have shit in their life - look at the gorgeous Missus C and the delectable Missus M.  They have so much shit (literally ) in their health but they still have a smile.  FFS - I was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 29!  Ok, so it turned out to be more treatable than they originally thought, but I lived that diagnosis for nearly a year.  I still had time to laugh, to smile and enjoy life. This person (to me) is all doom and gloom, and I hate that!  Hey!  Make time to smell the roses!  Go and look at a sunset, start to live!

I apologise to people who read this who may have an idea about who I mean.  Like I said, I'm sure this person doesn't read this - if this person does, and recognises themself, then I'm not going to apologise.  My attitude on the messageboard towards you won't change, but I hope that your attitude to me does.  If this is my paranoia then I'll just have to deal with it.

Right, now I'm off to wash cake mix off my face (or should I get Dave to lick it off! )

Look, this is going to be quick cos I'm going to visit my neighbour, and my sister's family is due to arrive in about an hour!

Things are fine.  I've had to buy a new washing machine which is an annoying necessity, but we can't keep using ones belonging to our friends and neighbours!  We've used 5 different washing machines over the past 2 weeks - aren't we lucky to have such great friends.   The new one arrives on Wednesday - I really can't wait!

We had a lovely afternoon out yesterday at Westonbirt Arboretum to see the beautiful autumn colours of the Japanese Maples they have there.  If you live anywhere near, it's such a magical time to go.  I was just gasping in awe and wonder with every corner I turned.  (ewww, how corny is that!)

Don't want to write too much - got stuff to do!

Keep well everyone. xxxx

Not all our clothes are stinky yet... but our washing machine broke on Monday.  It stopped, I assumed the wash was finished, opened the door, and flooded our kitchen!  ARGHHHHH!  Thankfully I could take the unfinished load round to the neighbours to get it done.  But it's such a pain - especially as the 3 year guarentee only ran out a month ago!  I'm going to visit a friend this afternoon - I'm sure she won't mind if I go armed with a basket of washing...

Er, I've done my first shift as a barmaid.  I think it went well.  Pulling pints wasn't as difficult as I thought, and the landlord seemed quite pleased with me.  I was a little concerned as I'd sort of exaggerated my experience of pulling pints from a drunken trip behind a friend's bar, to a full-on university time job!  I think I bluffed quite well!

Work is still slow.  I missed out on a morning's worth today, as the stupid agency insist on calling my mobile, which I forgot to switch on.  This really annoys me, as I have asked numerous times for them to call on my home number in the morning to avoid situations like this.  I think I'll call again in a bit and repeat this.  The home phone is right next to my bed too - grrrrrrr

Not much is happening at all.  Life is pretty slow, but at the moment I'm happy to roll with it.  Money is going to be the issue, because Dave wants Christmas at home, and never realises just how much it costs.  Between us, we have 60 presents to buy (I know cos I wrote a list) - I suppose that's what happens as family and friends increase family size with babies etc.  We also have our annual mince pie and mulled wine bash on December 8th - that will cost a hefty wedge.  I'd sort of like to drop it a bit, this is our 4th year of doing so, but again, Dave loves it!  However, he usually has his works Christmas do the night before, stays in town after drinking too much, and comes back in time to play on the computer before everyone arrives!  Me?  Well, I make the mince pies, sausage rolls, mulled wine, etc, and do all the cleaning.  I also make all the invites and deliver them!  I suppose things like that are the same in most parties...  And yes, I do enjoy it too.

Anyways, that's it.  I'm off to have a bath!

Have a good day.

After writing yesterday, I had a think and thought that I'd regret it if I didn't buy tickets while they were still available, so I bought 2.  Now, I was allocated an allowance of 6, but that's just greedy!  I decided that if my sister didn't want to go, then some other mug would.  (Ann, I wouldn't invite you hon, cos you'd be too pregnant... that's the only reason - you'd be such fun to go with, we'd be there singing away and screaming at the top of our voices!)  So, I bought my 2 tickets!  I don't think they're going to be particularly amazing seats - do you think I'm made of money?

As it turns out, my sister can go (now she has permission from her hubby - not that he often refuses, but there is finance and childcare to think about...) and my 12 year old neice is really annoyed that I didn't get a ticket for her.  Lol - I reckon she'd be really embarrassed to be seen with Susie and me, and it means we don't have to be too careful about what we say etc, or spend out time looking out for J.  (Though I do love going to places with J - she's great fun!)  Susie said 'It's a sister outing.' 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.  Infact, I can't quite believe just how excited I am!  Oh what a teeny bopper.

Now I'm going to make a quick sandwich for lunch - just incase the agency phones with some late work - yeah right!  As if! 

I've been allocated tickets for the Spice Girls reunion tour (or whatever they're calling it!).  At the moment I don't know whether I'm going or not - it depends on whether my sister can come with me.  I think she'd really like to, but she just needs to check with her hubby for confirmation.  Fingers crossed, eh!

It's quite funny really.  When I was a young whipper-snapper, I didn't do any gigs.  But now I'm starting to want to go and see everything!  I can't believe it was over year ago since I saw my darling Robbie Williams.  Then we went to the Radio One Big Weekend in Preston, back in May.  That was great!  I saw so many fab bands... Pigeon Detectives, Kasabian, Scissor Sistors, The Twang, Razorlight, Natasha Bedingfield, The gossip... etc.  And NOW I want to see the flipping spice girls! lmao!

Maybe I've started on my second childhood early...

There's not much to write really.  Life continues, I'm smiling, and that's it.